Yesterday, the St. Louis Cardinals all but handed the NL Central title to those lingering farts known as the Cincinnati Reds. I can’t even remember the last time I met or heard from a Reds fan — oh, wait, that’s because there haven’t been any Reds fans seen in the wild since Eric Davis was hitting shots out of the Astro-turfed confines of Riverfront Stadium. Now, suddenly, there are Reds fans coming out of the woodwork.

I am pretty sure that when the Cardinals play the Cubs here in a week or so, it will mark the first time that two teams will actually find a way to lose to each other in the same game.

Yet I remain painfully optimistic until they play the last game of the year. There is nothing worse than this feeling right now if you’re a real Cardinals fan. Tomorrow is September and we’re basically done, barring any miraculous winning streaks combined with an utter collapse from the Reds simultaneously.

Now August 2010 is in the books. I thought we had it in the bag, but here we are, reduced to Cubs fans.

It’s just not right.

Oh August 2010, where have you gone? is a post from: holySmith!

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Ouch. In the animal kingdom, even a mighty tiger can sometimes be brought down by a wild pack of hyenas (more on that in a moment).

As a world famous Internet blogger, holySmith! understands the pressures brought on by ridiculous amounts of fame and the opportunities that arise because people know your public persona. Fame’s a bitch, ain’t she, Tiger?

Only the best.

Tiger has a carefully created image that has been crafted over many years. His image as a golfer is “the best”. He’s in a class by himself. His ads are for products that are perceived to be the best because they are used (endorsed) by the best. But it’s foolish to think that any famous person is without flaws. The more you know about them, the more disappointed you’re likely to be with that person because at the end of the day, they’re still human and it’s only a matter of time before humanity catches them. Or, if you’re a Tiger, the pack of hungry hyenas catches you (more on that in a moment).

This is why people worship imaginary deities. Gods and their moral perfection are a product of the imagination, so it’s pretty hard for them to succumb to the pressures of fame, including but not limited to “transgressions” with cocktail waitresses or playing proctologist with the cute hotel staff member (Kobe). The models of moral fiber pretty much have to be imaginary in this day and age, because I’m sure that TMZ could find some horrible tidbit about anybody – even Jesus if he were alive today to be scrutinized.

This is why holySmith! is not a fan of blind worship of anything or anyone. It’s ok to F up. We’re human. It’s what we do. It’s what makes knowledge have value. If we weren’t human sometimes, TV would suck.

And while the mighty Tiger may have failed in some way to fulfill the nearly unrealistic and completely unsustainable expectations and wishes thrust upon him by his own success and by those who follow him with devotion, I think this bit of “transgression” might just be part of the plan. The hyenas’ plan, that is.

Hyena pack leader, Phil, pictured in the center, smiling, with carcass hanging from jaws, may be the transgressional mastermind of all this.

You see, Tiger has been practically untouchable for years, both in golf and, as a result, in life. He’s highly successful, driven and well liked by a broad audience. He was pretty much a god. But that’s a lot to sustain for as long as he has done it. He has a smokin’ hot wife, a kid, all the money in the world, a compassionate attitude and a charitable heart. All good things. Again, it’s almost too much of a fairly tale.

He has also regularly beaten the holy crap out of an entire field of other professional golfers for so many years that possibly, the time has come for the circle of life to rear its ironic head.

Let’s say the pack of hyenas are behind this. You can almost hear them circling the Tiger, hungry and pissed after all these years of him terrorizing them. Now they get to turn the tables on the Tiger. Now the hyenas can get their shot at revenge.

The leader of the hyena pack – let’s call him ‘Phil’ – is licking his chops. Maybe this hyena named Phil is a little passive-aggressive and he helped uncover the Tiger’s plot to mate with multiple tigresses. Maybe he saw the opportunity to take the Tiger down by exploiting said “transgressions”. Maybe the hyena named Phil told a little birdie (named Padraig) to whisper in the ear of the hotty Tigress that her mighty Tiger was transgressing other tigresses behind her back. Check the golf club that went through the back of the car window. . .was it one of Tiger’s or one of Phil’s?

With the rest of the animal kingdom now aware of this situation, the mighty Tiger is trapped. The hyena named Phil wants what the Tiger has – domination. So do all the other hyenas. If they see the mighty Tiger down, don’t you think they’d try to overtake the Tiger and his territory? Damn right they will. One of them might even land the hotty Tigress as a bonus, just to spite the Tiger.

And so it seems that it’s working. The hyenas see that the Tiger is weakened and vulnerable now that news of his transgressions has swept through the kingdom. The hyenas will strike. And maybe the hotty Tigress will divorce the mighty Tiger and take everything but his golf clubs. He won’t have a firm grip on the kingdom, which means he’s now just like the rest of them, which makes him beatable. Maybe a hyena named Phil will finally rule the kingdom.

It’s either that or the mighty Tiger got bored with his reign of total domination and because all the hyenas pretty much suck rocks at giving him a challenge, the only way for the mighty Tiger to have a real challenge is to create one for himself so that he can overcome it and look even more epic. After all, he is Tiger.

Knowledge is disappointment and power is a post from: holySmith!

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In a game today against the rival Cubs, Albert hit a home run that started out as a basic pop fly, but wound up over the wall. How can a lazy pop-up make its way over the fence for a homerun?

To answer that question, may I present a little known fact about Albert Pujols:

FACT: When Albert swings his bat, it registers on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale.
His on-deck warm up swings are usually equal to a Category 1 Hurricane-force wind and his 450′ home run swings typically generate the force of a hurricane Katrina. It is because of this that Albert Pujols is illegal in Louisiana.

Additional uses of Albert’s bat include:

• Regular calls from Metro-St. Louis fire departments to come in and put out large fires. When Albert takes a swing, it’s like using a wind tunnel to blow out a birthday cake candle.
• In the off-season, the major ski resorts call Albert in to take a few cuts near the slopes. This produces huge snow drifts and white-out blizzard conditions, but leaves a perfect dusting of deep, fresh powder that millions of skiers enjoy each year.
• When NASA and other space agencies have trouble launching satellites into orbit due to faulty rocket boosters, they call in Albert to get the job done. There’s a rumor that Albert will be given a special aluminum bat to launch the Orion spacecraft to the Moon in 2020.
• Cities such as LA, Phoenix and Denver each suffer from smoggy brown clouds that hang over the cities most of the time. . .except when Albert Pujols is in town for a series with the Dodgers, Diamondbacks and Rockies, respectively.
• Given the recent shortage of ammunition for firearms, Albert can be utilized in police standoffs to take out heavily-armed gunmen with nothing but his bat and a bucket of baseballs.
• Albert can use an aluminum bat to hit small rocks into the air – the result of the spark created is a 30-minute fireworks extravaganza complete with a soundtrack by the London Symphony Orchestra.
• The original sound effect for lightsabers in Star Wars came when George Lucas happened to be in attendance of a little league game and heard the noise generated by the swing of a young Albert Pujols’ bat.

Albert Pujols Facts is a post from: holySmith!

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holySmith! just won the 2009 World Series of Solitaire!

Here’s a shot of the action:

Don’t worry, I am sure the replay will be on ESPN 2 fairly soon so you can see it for yourself.

holySmith! 2009 World Series of Solitaire grand champion is a post from: holySmith!

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Albert Pujols, if you really are clean and you didn’t do any HGH or steroids, then the game of baseball is yours do dominate. Stick to what you are doing because it works.

Steroid use clearly reduces brain cells and turns people into retards who lie compulsively – every one of them proclaims they didn’t do it, yet every one of them did it.

People are acting as if A-Roid (thanks El Gammy) was the lone hope and savior for our tarnished game, but holySmith! is officially calling bullshit on that notion because the one guy who has stood tall in all the crap is our humble Cardinal Albert Pujols.

Deep down, I am hoping that Albert wasn’t doping [Editor's Note: holySmith! is a poet and boy don't he know it!]

At the end of the day, he is the one who could pull baseball out of this shit-tornado. And just as Big Mac dragged the game out of shittsville in the late 1990s after the strike (and simultaneously dragged the game into the steroid era), I think Albert is the guy that people will look to as the beacon of hope for baseball and it’s legacy.

Assuming Pujols is clean, his numbers are a threat to even the ‘roid era record numbers in terms of pretty much all the major offensive categories. AND, Albert has what A-Roid will never have: a World Series Championship.

But if it turns out he did, then the best thing he could do is just come out and say it now and move on. I think he has said in the past that he hasn’t done anything like that, but we all know what that’s worth now and he would be just another one of them.

Help us Albert Pujols. You’re our only hope.

Help us Albert Pujols, you’re our only hope is a post from: holySmith!

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