Albert Pujols Facts

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In a game today against the rival Cubs, Albert hit a home run that started out as a basic pop fly, but wound up over the wall. How can a lazy pop-up make its way over the fence for a homerun?

Albert Pujols did not cause Hurricane Katrina, but he could have if he wanted to.

To answer that question, may I present a little known fact about Albert Pujols:

FACT: When Albert swings his bat, it registers on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale.
His on-deck warm up swings are usually equal to a Category 1 Hurricane-force wind and his 450′ home run swings typically generate the force of a hurricane Katrina. It is because of this that Albert Pujols is illegal in Louisiana.

Additional uses of Albert’s bat include:

  • Regular calls from Metro-St. Louis fire departments to come in and put out large fires. When Albert takes a swing, it’s like using a wind tunnel to blow out a birthday cake candle.
  • In the off-season, the major ski resorts call Albert in to take a few cuts near the slopes. This produces huge snow drifts and white-out blizzard conditions, but leaves a perfect dusting of deep, fresh powder that millions of skiers enjoy each year.
  • When NASA and other space agencies have trouble launching satellites into orbit due to faulty rocket boosters, they call in Albert to get the job done. There’s a rumor that Albert will be given a special aluminum bat to launch the Orion spacecraft to the Moon in 2020.
  • Cities such as LA, Phoenix and Denver each suffer from smoggy brown clouds that hang over the cities most of the time. . .except when Albert Pujols is in town for a series with the Dodgers, Diamondbacks and Rockies, respectively.
  • Given the recent shortage of ammunition for firearms, Albert can be utilized in police standoffs to take out heavily-armed gunmen with nothing but his bat and a bucket of baseballs.
  • Albert can use an aluminum bat to hit small rocks into the air – the result of the spark created is a 30-minute fireworks extravaganza complete with a soundtrack by the London Symphony Orchestra.
  • The original sound effect for lightsabers in Star Wars came when George Lucas happened to be in attendance of a little league game and heard the noise generated by the swing of a young Albert Pujols’ bat.

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