Blowing the lid off the Phoenix-San Antonio sports conspiracy

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So the San Antonio Spurs pretty much own the Phoenix Suns in every possible way and they prove it with every game they play it seems. Yours truly was just at the Suns/Spurs Thursday Night TNT game a week or so ago and it was the usual abuse. People in Phoenix pretty much hate everything about the Spurs – and now they have even more reason to hate the Spurs because now the Spurs are screwing with the Suns’ Phoenix sports brethren, the Arizona Cardinals.

Santonio (Holmes) - the spawn of San Antonio's Spurs.

Santonio (Holmes) - the spawn of San Antonio's Spurs.

The Spurs have conspired to find new ways to torment the Phoenix fans, but because San Antonio doesn’t have any other teams in the other major sports (MLB, NHL, NFL) they had to reach out to teams in other cities to inflict their dastardly deeds on the good people of Phoenix.

So let’s put the pieces together and start off with this question: Who the hell would name their kid “Santonio” – as in Santonio Holmes – and what the hell does that have to do with the Phoenix Suns and San Antonio Spurs?

holySmith! will tell you.

You see, Santonio Holmes, the receiver for the Steelers, is actually the secret satanic spawn of the Terrible Trifecta of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Bruce Bowen. And don’t even get me started how three male NBA players managed to produce offspring, but suffice it to say that Tony Parker contributed test tubes and a woozy Eva Longoria to help them.

The Spurs in question created this “Santonio” character to deliver an additional giant dose of salt to the open wound of Phoenix sports fans created by many years of the Spurs screwing the Suns’ chance for an NBA ring. With his actions in the recent Super Bowl, Santonio did what he was created to do.

Let’s look at the factors that support this conspiracy. . .First, it’s no coincidence that they named him “Santonio” because that’s short for “San Antonio” if you didn’t pick up on that just now. The Spurs wear black and silver, the Steelers wear black and gold, but both wear black – the color of the bad guys. Both teams start with “S” as in “snake”, “screwed”, and “shafted” – all of which happen regularly to the Phoenix teams when it comes to the Spurs or the Steelers.

The evidence is all right there in black and white (and black and silver, and black and gold). It’s time to warn the Diamondbacks and Coyotes. . .keep your eye out for the clues. Look out for other Spur-spawn like “Duncan” Keith of the Chicago Blackhawks to do bad things to the Coyotes or the black, silver (and purple)-clad Colorado Rockies – specifically Todd Helton (emphasis on “Hell”) – to work the DBacks in the playoffs again.

Warn others about Spurspawn. . .or the end is near!

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