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Confessions of a tired mind

I have to admit how much this bothers me. For years, probably since the time I moved to the Detroit area around 1986, this has burned me up inside. It eats at my mind. It torments me at random. It fuels my disgust for openly non-creative people. Deep down, it’s utterly insutling.

Yeah, you saw this coming: it’s the Utah Jazz.

Let’s back up a second. . . I have never liked the Utah Jazz or any part of their team at any time for any reason. Mark Eaton looked like an Amish furniture-maker reject. John Stockton’s shorts were clearly too tiny and bunched up to ever allow him to win a championship in the sport of basketball. Karl Malone was just a GIANT toolbox. I enjoy the irony of the fact that they now have a guy named Boozer in Salt Lake City.

One thing they most decidedly do not have in Utah is jazz. This has bugged me for years – clearly enough to blog about it now. The Utah Jazz used to live in New Orleans where they were known as the New Orleans Jazz. That makes sense. New Orleans is known for culture, and stuff like jazz music and the ultimate coolness associated with that city. That’s a good name for a team from New Orleans, much like the Blues are a cool name for a team from St. Louis, or the 49ers for San Fran, etc.

So when the team moved from New Orleans to Utah, one would think that the team nickname would change to something more fitting of the new home. When the Jets moved to Phoenix from Winnepeg, they were renamed to the Coyotes because that was more reflective of the new home. Same thing with the Quebec Nordiques, who became the Colorado Avalanche. The Colorado Rockies moved to New Jersey and became the Devils because New Jersey Rockies would just be dumb.

Editor’s Note: Suddenly it has occured to me that this is more of an NBA problem than anything else. Obviously the NHL knows how to rename a team when they move. The NBA seems to be on the short bus in that category (Lakers made sense when they lived in Minnesota, not Los Angeles). Don’t even get me started on the Hornets. . .and the Washington Bullets makes a hell of a lot more sense than the Wizards. Hmmm.

“Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice. . .”

Salt Lake City, Utah is not the place that comes to mind when someone utters the word “jazz”. New Orleans, New York, maybe Chicago or other places, but definitely not Salt Lake City, Utah. I am pretty sure they don’t even allow such devilish things as jazz (or booze(r), Kool-Aid, condoms, or negativity).

I read a rumor that “they” didn’t think the team would last very long in Utah so it wasn’t worth renaming the team, and thus having to pay for new logos, uniforms, paint, etc. I think it makes the team look retarded, especially with their color schemes over the years, their horrible logos, and their persistence with the team nickname. There are, I am sure, lots of other iconic things that are more fitting to Utah than Jazz.

There is not enough of a fan base to support the other major sports, so they really do need this. It’s offensive to jazz and it is a shame for the people of the area who support their team.

Final Fact: The nickname “Jazz” is about as fitting to the city as Karl Malone’s finger is to a championship ring. Yeah, I said it.

I don’t know Utah well enough to seriously suggest a name, but here are a few ideas:

  • Utah Polygamists
  • Utah Temples
  • Utah Pairs of Dorks with Ties and a Mission on Bikes (might not fit on the uniform very well)
  • Salt Lake City Useless Bodies of Water
  • Utah Layovers (that’s all I’ve ever done in Utah)
  • Salt Lake Shitties (my personal favorite)
  • Wow. It’s really late and I just blogged about the Utah Jazz. Fantastic.

    { 2 comments… add one }
    • El Gammy May 10, 2007, 2:08 pm

      How could you possibly write this post and not mention my “Utah Jesus Came to America” team name suggestion? This aggression will not stand man… you know? What kinda bush-league psyche out is this?

    • uncle bob May 11, 2007, 8:25 pm

      You young hip hop boys don’t like the small shorts because you can’t hide a “nine” in them when you are gang-banging,yo. But I digress. You are correct ,sir. The Utah Jazz is a useless name for a team that plays in a useless league. “Conventional Wisdom” said for years that the NBA was the best league in pro sports because that’s what the NBA marketing gurus fed the idiot sportswriters(along with lots of free food)Most sportswriters know little about anything, especially writing, so they went along with the marketing boys.Ifthe NBA ever goes back to playing basketball instead of alley ball officiated much like the playground game then many of us will go back to watching them. Until then, I will happily root for college and high school teams that still play something resembling the game I grew up watching. Now you know what the old guys think.

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