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Dumb Toilet Paper Commercials

Toilet paper commercials are dumb. They feature poorly animated bears or other stupid characters (Mr. Whipple) who gently caress their faces with toilet paper to demonstrate how soft it is. I don’t care how soft it is, really, I don’t.

In my humble opinion, there are really three types of toilet paper:
1) The thin junk they use at most major airport bathrooms
2) The really thick stuff that grips too much and causes dingleberries
3) The good stuff that Costco sells

The problem with the thin junk is that you need 23 feet of it to wipe with any degree of effectiveness. It may as well be the thick stuff. Unfortunately, the metal roll holders in the airport bathrooms are so tight that each four-inch square piece breaks off in your journey to pull enough off the roll for legitimate use. This sucks.

So the alternative, one might think, would be the really thick stuff. But, that stuff (usually Charmin, I believe) is so thick that it just crumbles apart during normal use. You use it, then dingleberries. No good.

So there is the stuff from Costco. That is the best stuff and is worth the $48 every year for the membership. It comes in a giant package and it is Costco’s own brand. If you move every year like I seem to do, you can usually go half your lease with one package, then finish up with your second package right as your lease ends. That means you don’t have to move the giant package of toilet paper with you (it’s a team-lift item due to its sheer size of course). That saves on moving costs. It’s just easier to go to Costco after you move to the new place and buy another big package. That’s what I’m talking about.

My remedy for toilet paper commercials is to show people using it the right way. Not that I really want to see that in graphic detail, but at least show a public bathroom stall, pants around ankles so we know what’s happening, and let us just hear the paper being pulled from the roll, and the subsequent sounds of satisfaction or dissatisfaction from the person using it. If I hear grunts of “oh this paper sucks,” then I don’t want that kind. But if I hear positive sounds (or nothing but a clean flush), then I know that’s the paper for me.

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