As your friendly neighborhood purveyor of English language justice and truth in advertising, I, holySmith!, hereby declare use of the term “Garage Sale” as total bullshit.
Today as we walked down College Avenue in Tempe, we encountered a sign that read “Garage Sale”. Soon after, we encountered said “garage sale” only to find that there were, in fact, no garages for sale, only an assortment of old clothes, kids toys, and furniture that was so out of date even the Brady Bunch would have considered it hideous.
This is false advertising at its worst. I felt used and dirty when I arrived at the mis-advertised garage sale. With my hopes of finding the perfect garage door to replace my aging, heavy door, I felt the letdown that I felt only one other time in my life — the morning in 1983 when I had the most vivid dream that there was a Millennium Falcon next to my bed just waiting for me to play with the minute I woke up, only to wake up with pure, unbridled nine-year-old excitement and find nothing but that horrid burnt orange shag carpet that we had in that room. . . that awful, awful room. There was no Millennium Falcon and I was devastated.
Why do people persist with such false claims? Why can’t they just use their magic markers and cardboard to scribe signs that tell the truth, like “old junk that we haven’t used since 1988 sale” or “stuff we would throw away, but why do that when we know we can make $38 for sitting in our driveway for eleven hours on a Saturday sale”.
Whatever. The point is that this false advertising should not be allowed to stand any longer. I hereby vow to carry with me my Sanford King Size Magic Marker at all times to correct any misleading sign that reads “Garage Sale” when, in fact, the sale includes no garages or parts of garages such as doors, openers, and the like.
holySmith! has spoken.