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‘Garage Sale’ – Lies . . . all lies!

As your friendly neighborhood purveyor of English language justice and truth in advertising, I, holySmith!, hereby declare use of the term “Garage Sale” as total bullshit.

Today as we walked down College Avenue in Tempe, we encountered a sign that read “Garage Sale”. Soon after, we encountered said “garage sale” only to find that there were, in fact, no garages for sale, only an assortment of old clothes, kids toys, and furniture that was so out of date even the Brady Bunch would have considered it hideous.

This is false advertising at its worst. I felt used and dirty when I arrived at the mis-advertised garage sale. With my hopes of finding the perfect garage door to replace my aging, heavy door, I felt the letdown that I felt only one other time in my life — the morning in 1983 when I had the most vivid dream that there was a Millennium Falcon next to my bed just waiting for me to play with the minute I woke up, only to wake up with pure, unbridled nine-year-old excitement and find nothing but that horrid burnt orange shag carpet that we had in that room. . . that awful, awful room. There was no Millennium Falcon and I was devastated.

Why do people persist with such false claims? Why can’t they just use their magic markers and cardboard to scribe signs that tell the truth, like “old junk that we haven’t used since 1988 sale” or “stuff we would throw away, but why do that when we know we can make $38 for sitting in our driveway for eleven hours on a Saturday sale”.

Whatever. The point is that this false advertising should not be allowed to stand any longer. I hereby vow to carry with me my Sanford King Size Magic Marker at all times to correct any misleading sign that reads “Garage Sale” when, in fact, the sale includes no garages or parts of garages such as doors, openers, and the like.

holySmith! has spoken.

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • El Gammy November 12, 2007, 1:41 pm

    Well said holydouche!, but if you really consider yourself our friendly neighborhood purveyor of English language justice and truth in advertising, why did you completely neglect exposing “Tent Sales” for the tent-less used car-filled crap that they really are?

    Say you’re in the market for a nice tent or two, so you head over to one of these fancy “Tent Sales.” Instead of browsing some durable tents with several options, all you get is is some fat used-car salesman trying to convince you that his 98 Chevy Cavalier can easily get more miles to the gallon than your 2001 Toyota Corolla. I mean, seriously, WTF?

    Anyways… by any chance was that ever-so-disappointing day in 1983 happen to be on September 29th? Because that is the fateful day I came out of the womb and into this world to bring hopeful dreams to young children, only for them to wake up hours later to painfully discover the futility of their once joyous expectations in the form of orange shag carpets. Just checking.

  • holySmith! November 12, 2007, 2:16 pm

    I don’t recall the exact date – my mind was too overwhelmed by the devastation to remember the exact day it happened. It wasn’t long after that day that I did finally get the Millennium Falcon I so badly needed. I still have it, in fact. Wow. It is scary that I have toys that are older than you, El Gammy. The toys have grown in value since the early 1980s, so what’s your excuse?

  • El Gammy November 12, 2007, 2:51 pm

    My excuse? Inflation.

    Next question.

  • Jeleyman November 14, 2007, 12:41 pm

    Lawn Sales
    Yard Sales
    Estate Sales
    Sidewalk Sale
    Flea Markets
    …. all complete and utter failures in their use of euphamistic language. Never once have I been to one of the above and been presented with even the option of purchasing a lawn, yard, sidewalk, estate, or flea. I have been once or twice to a Swap Meet, where I was indeed able to meet with other people and potentially swap useless crap that would later end up at one of the above.

    There is this guy on my street (Thomas Road) about a mile west, that has a “carport” that is gated and filled with enough odds, ends, nicknacks, paddywhacks, treasures, trinkets, and other trash. Every other weekend he opens the gate and sticks his old crappy 2 foot by 2 foot, 1/4 inch thick peice of plyboard (that he undoubtedly took from the alley behind my house) up. On that board is spray painted the following phrase “Sale –>”….low-and-behold, this guy is obviously well schooled cause he knows that he is selling a bunch of stuff, none of which is his actual carport.

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