In a recent poll conducted by the Associated Press, holySmith.com has finally surpassed Internet news websites CNN.com, MSNBC.com, and a list of other “top online news sources” for the “Most Relevant News for Non-Retards”.
“We knew we were just as viable of a news source for regular people as those other big sites,” says holySmith.com spokesperson Mr. Smith. “There was no doubt that the events that we report and blog about on holySmith! are far more engaging and relevant to normal people than what you see on those other sites.”
Case in point: a look at the MSNBC home page (www.msnbc.com) reveals such headlines as “Pop star caught without underpants” and “Was K-Fed involved with porn star?“. That’s just a snapshot of what kinds of stories now make front page “news” today.
“Our stories, such as “Girl Next Door Can’t Park for Shit” and “People from Illinois have the Dumbest Vanity Plates“, are equally, if not more, relevant to the average person’s life as the exposure of Brittany Spears’ hooha to the paparazzi would be,” Mr. Smith explained. “The stories we fabricate are just as good as the clowns over at CNN, but without all the pretentious bullshit, the “War Room” graphics and theme songs, and the constant (non) updates on stories related to on-going events. And when we beat a dead horse here at holySmith!, at least we get over it inside of one blog post (maybe two if it is about sports). We just figure that if John Stewart and Steven Colbert can be regarded as a “viable news source” for people in the 18-49 demographic, then why can’t holySmith!?”
According to the holySmith! editorial directive, the key to reporting hard-hitting, need-to-know news is simply to make it sound formal and important, much like the writers do at “The Onion” – another viable news source available online and in local taverns. “Just like when you read to a baby, it doesn’t matter what you read to him, it matters how you read it. In the same way,” Mr. Smith continued, “it’s not what you report, rather, how you report it. For example, the use of quotes from people related to the story carefully weaved within the piece—it all adds to the newsy-newspaper feel that people have come to expect over the years.”
In a related story, CNN.com is reporting the breaking news on their home page that “Actress, 16, played Virgin Mary, now pregnant”, and “Word is ‘Borat’ behind Pam Anderson breakup.”
“Yeah, because that matters,” said Mr. Smith.