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New sunglasses

holySmith! is possibly in the market for a new pair of sunglasses. I have been paying attention to the kinds of sunglasses people wear these days, trying to picture myself in them as I go. So far, I think I am going to have to get on eBay and try to find a pair of those old Harry Caray caricature sunglasses (similar to the kind Elton John use to wear). I am talking about the kind of sunglasses that are about 15-inches wide (tip-to-tip) and probaly a good eight-inches tall. It seems that the wider/taller/squarer your sunglasses are, the cooler you are.

I have been noticing these chicks driving around town with GINOURMOUS sunglasses and frankly, I am a bit scared. These are the same sunglasses that made Jackie Kennedy look like Spider-Man and Audrey Hepburn look like The Fly. They scared me back in the 70s when the Charlie’s Angels chicks wore them (except Tanya Roberts…she was perfection). They scared me more when the coked-out anorexic party chicks wore them to cover up the telling-eye evidence of their activities. The glasses are so big, I worry that some of these gangly girls will fall over due to the added top-heaviness of thier sunglasses. Some of the really huge ones seriously look like the glasses they give you to wear OVER your prescription glasses after you have eye surgery. In the Phoenix area we have a lot of college kids and a lot of snowbird old-folks and I have to say it is getting really tough to tell them apart anymore.

Another gripe I have about the “huge sunglasses” phenomenon is that they are a detriment to the onlooking males. How are dudes supposed to pick out the hot chicks from the fugly ones? The glasses suggest the chicks are trying to cover something, like a decision to not wear makeup, a nice shiner, a night of drinking, etc. I call it false advertising, and other dudes agree. It is just not fair for the onlooker or the onlookee. The eyes are critical in the selection of a mate – you can’t cover them up! That and if holySmith! and other dudes have to put on their best and look fabulous day-in and day-out, then so do the women of this country.

But whatever…now giant sunglasses are cool.

And holySmith! is nothing if not cool, so if you are going to wear big sunglasses, the you should wear BIG SUNGLASSES. Let me know if you see any for sale, but keep in mind that I never spend more than $20 on a pair.

{ 3 comments… add one }
  • uncle bob April 9, 2007, 6:37 pm

    When I was a youngster like you I always bought cheap sunglasses. I always sat on those glasses and had to replace them. One day I found a pair of Ray Ban Wayfarers(think Roy Orbison) They had great lenses and were very durable. Soon after Tom Cruise and all the cool guys started wearing them. Since I am a trend-setter and not a follower I had to change my look. I bought a pair of Ray Ban aviators and they were even better than the wayfarers. Soon afterward Tom Cruise and all the cool guys started wearing them and although this distressed me I love those shades so much I couldn’t give them up. I appealed to the press to spread the word that I wore them first, but the military-industrial complex blocked the story.Cool or not, the Ray Ban aviator is the finest pair of sunglasses ever and you cannot sit on them no matter how you try. So buck up and get yourself a pair, you will thank me. Remind me to tell you about how I wore loafers with no socks and always had a five o’clock shadow until Miami Vice stole my look. XXXOOO Uncle Bob

  • MrSmith April 9, 2007, 10:52 pm

    U B – as your eldest nephew, I have vivid memories of your trendsetting ways in the 80s. I recall the transition from the MG to the Mustang, the trips to Peaches record store to buy tapes, and the Tommy Herr blond perm that preceeded the Brett Hull look-alike era. I remember the sockless loafers AND the Aviators. Daryl Hall had nothing compared to you. Don’t even get me started on Oates.

    I would gladly buy a pair of aviators, but I can’t say I could do them justice. Also, I had bad luck last time I dropped triple digits on Ray Bans….they took a beating in an unfortunate bear hug incident. . .

  • uncle bob April 10, 2007, 9:29 pm

    Damn, Kid, you have a great memory. I’d write something witty here but I’m getting a little welled up remembering how cool the eighties were(despite Ronny Reagan’s efforts)You see why you never caught me hugging bears(or Huggy Bear for that matter)

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