Sources close to Rock n Roll are today confirming that the old boy is, indeed, barely breathing and have also verified that the heart of Rock n Roll is no longer beating in DC, San Antone [sic], the Liberty Town, Boston, Baton Rouge, Tulsa, Austin, Oklahoma City, Seattle and San Francisco, too.
The same sources have, however, confirmed that the heart of Rock n Roll is still beating in Cleveland and Detroit, despite claims to the contrary by those who believed Detroit was officially shut down after the automotive bailouts and Cleveland because of its stench.
Rock n Roll was unable to be reached for comment either by phone or via email. Representatives for Rock n Roll were also unavailable for comment.
Experts attribute Rock n Roll’s heart stoppage in certain areas to stress brought on by his increased health insurance costs. Rock n Roll, according to several people close to the genre, pays a high cost to maintain his daily requirement of prescription pain killers, which he uses to dull the pain from over exposure to songs that are artificially enhanced by Auto-tune. The company which supplies health insurance to Rock n Roll is claiming that Auto-tune was a “pre-existing condition,” citing it’s use by Cher in her song Believe in 1998, prior to the start of Rock n Roll’s pain pill needs, and will therefore deny coverage.