I pay Cox what seems like hundreds of dollars a month for hundreds of channels, but there ain’t shit on the TV these days.
The evidence: There wasn’t crap on any of HD channels that Cox offers (all 3 of them). ESPN is still a 24-hour rolling commercial about the New England Patriots and I can’t stand that, so screw that. Even when there is a college basketball game or professional bowling on ESPN, they somehow find a way to make it about the Patriots.
The writers are on strike, so there are no shows on television that are worth watching. For the remaining new shows, I know better than to get hooked because they will get shut down right when they get interesting. Screw that.
So I start digging into all those “other” channels – digging deep into the ones I never knew existed like the Fuse network. I don’t know what the hell the Fuse network is, but in my channel surfing, I came across the horrible 80s movie Vision Quest on the Fuse network. The only reason I know about Vision Quest is because I bought the CD soundtrack like 18 years ago because I had the Red Rider song “Lunatic Fringe” stuck in my head and in order to exorcise that demon, I had to buy the CD and listen to that song until it was out of my brain.
Having never watched the movie, I thought, “well holySmith!, there isn’t shit else on the TV, so why not?”
So I watched it. I am not much of a fan of movie reviews, but here’s what you need to know: the movie is about a small town high school d-bag who wants to beat some other kid at wrestling. Some chick gets stuck in this small town, and the kid and his dad offer her a place to stay. The kid gets all horny and smells her underwear, his friend’s name is “cooch”, Madonna plays “Crazy for You” in a bar scene (like Madonna would ever play a bar), and there is a bunch of slow motion wrestling scenes.
It was quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Most of the time (and because I have a laptop) I make it a point to check MrSkin.com before I commit to a movie on television just to see if I am wasting my time waiting for the nude scenes. There are none in Vision Quest, but I didn’t check until it was too late. Ugh. With all the 80s hair and sweat pants in that movie, I feel violated. Wrong.
Fortunately, I was redeemed when Full Metal Jacket came on in full HD right after that. Now there’s a classic. Then I realized that Mathew Modine – the d-bag wrestler kid in Vision Quest was in it. That kind of sucked. THEN, I realized that Private Pyle is the guy from Law and Order!
Now, every time that holySmith! The Wife watches Law and Order, I can yell stuff like:
How tall are you, private? — Sir, five-foot-nine, sir. — Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.
What is your major malfunction, numb nuts!
Ahhh, isn’t TV great?