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When you can’t beat the bully, kick the dog

So I am having an abundantly crappy day today for reasons that will remain undisclosed. That is how I deal with anger and frustration; all of which will ultimately lead to my untimely exit from life, I’m sure. (And 4 out of 5 doctors will concur). So, as has always been my way, in order to vent, I need to engage in a written rant about something. My target today, The Food Network.

The Food Network is widely popular these days and people seem to love to watch it. I personally think that watching people cook on television is about as much fun as watching Nebraska’s landscape as you drive through it.

Tell me if I’m wrong here, but is the Food Network not fundamentally flawed? Food invloves the five senses to enjoy, but cooking shows rob you of the two most important senses when it comes to food…SMELL and TASTE. So, if you can’t SMELL the food on the television and you sure as hell can’t TASTE it, then why the hell WATCH it?

That seems like sensory interruptus if you ask me. Much like a set of blue balls, it is, in effect, torture. How could you want to watch something on television that fails to deliver the two most fundamental things that are required to enjoy it? I mean, I could kind of see being in the studio audience when Emeril makes a dish, then let’s everyone come up and sample it. That could be good. You can watch him make the stuff, hear it sizzling, smell it – maybe even touch it depending on the kind of food being made…but at least you can taste it when it’s done. How disappointing to have to watch for 30 minutes as someone prepares a meal and gets you all worked up, then you don’t get to taste the result of all that hard work.

This continues to blow my mind. The Food Network defies logic in its apparent success and it proves that people are either a) gluttons for punishment, or b) dumb. What is more than likely the case…it’s just me. I am – to quote a legendary Jedi Knight – more machine now, than man. Twisted and evil.

I also think that American Idol is stupid, so there.

Speaking of dumb shows, I do admit that I watch Deal or No Deal (but I fast forward through all the crap). I don’t want to meet their family, I just want to see them further their greed and subsequent let-down by subjecting themselves to progressivly poorer odds. Belief has nothing to do with numbers…they are what they are. I think Professor Charlie Epps from the show “Numbers” should apply his algorithms to Deal or No Deal and find the most logical way to win, if such a thing exists.

OK, I am done.

{ 1 comment… add one }
  • uncle bob February 19, 2007, 2:02 pm

    The best food show was when Lisa Loeb and that Zappa kid traveled around and ate at different restaurants. I don’t know if it is currently in production,but they made a cute couple and had entertaining personalities. I sometimes enjoy watching Giada DeLaurentis because she cooks some of the same type food that our Grandma Mom did(calamari, polenta,etc.) One thing these people share is the fact that they have connections in theTV/entertainment world and they would not be on the air without them.Since nepotism runs rampant in our country (see government, business, hollywood) it is no surprise that your name gets you opportunities that skill alone do not.This is why I like the American Idol concept. Common goons off the street are allowed to compete for a chance at fame and although I don’t always agree with the American public’s choices,at least they get a chance.In 2004 one of the cable networks tried to assemble a program called American Candidate in which common people would compete to be chosen by the American Public as an independant Presidential candidate. I thought it was a great idea,the politicians did not. Since that concept never saw the light of day our only chance to be heard is American Idol.So Holy Man, unless you wish to be thought of as un-American do not slam Idol.Those kids sing much better than our politicians govern. Be sure not to miss the Food Network shows about how to make gourmet meals from left over baby foods, it’ll come in handy! Roger and out, Uncle Bob

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